You don't bring me flowers

Love it or loathe it, one thing’s for sure, short of spending 24 hours in a high-level isolation unit (as tempting as that is) you can’t escape it: this Saturday 14 February is, of course, Valentine’s Day. ‘Hooray!’ we hear you cry through the love hearts, chocolates, red roses and ill-chosen undies. As far as we’re concerned, for every V-Day enthusiast, there are at least three of our friends who’d rather go off and find a remote rock to sit on for the duration – and a fair few of those have been consciously coupling for years! But, as the old saying goes, if you can’t beat them, join them, and so we’ve surrendered to our heart’s desire and found some rather more subversive than usual gift ideas in our alternative Valentine’s Day edit. Here’s what we really want…

Valentino’s Rockstud 1973 Va Va Voom Mini Leather Clutch
What’s in a name? Well, everything, in fact if Valentine’s Day means an excuse to add a Valentino to our handbag collection. A tenuous link it may be, but we think you’ll agree, a bright, brash and edgy little number like this needs no explanation. We could actually marry you if you make this Saturday a Va Va Voom Day. £1,260, Harvey Nichols

Stow London’s Ring Box for Romance and Travel
Ring, shming, we want luxury travel to go with it. And what better way to show your loved-one you’re ready to share romantic adventures than with this nifty leather zip-up ring box. It even holds a little ‘stowaway’ envelope in which to keep your sweet nothings. Best get booking those flights… £95, notonthehighstreet.com

Beats by Dr. Dre Studio Noise Cancelling Headphones
If music be the food of love, play up to your Valentine’s audio addiction and invest in a gift that really does keep on giving. These rose-red headphones make the perfect alternative V-Day present – your audiophile other half will have no choice but to think fondly of you when they’re wired for sound on their daily commute. £269.95, John Lewis

Fragile Hearts China Plate by Mr. Brainwash
There’s no denying that love can be a messy business. Illustrating this perfectly is one Mr. Brainwash, with his glazed china plates splattered with an exploding heart. If you can’t say it to his face, say it with your designer tableware: Yes, it’s love, but it’s complicated… £29, Selfridges

David Shrigley’s Cruet Set
A shared sense of humour always tops the compatibility lists when it comes to achieving longevity in a relationship. If you and your beau like your humour dark – by which we mean gallows humour dark – you’ll love this David Shrigley cruet set, available exclusively at Sketch. Who says romance is dead in 2015? £80, Sketch London